how we were feeling then - a Charli XCX one year retrospective

On 6th April, 2020 Charlotte Aitchinson, known more colloquially as Charli XCX, announced on a zoom with fans that she was working on a new album, tentatively titled ‘How I’m Feeling Now’. Ambitiously planned to be entirely made (written, recorded, mixed, etc…) in isolation due to the COVID-19 pandemic, this was to be the world’s first taste of ‘The Lockdown Album’. Furthermore, fan input was welcomed, with an email account set up for beats and all sorts to be sent in for consideration, and livestream writing sessions which produced lyrics (the second verse of anthems) that actually made it onto the album.

Released 15th May, 2020, How I’m Feeling Now (stylised how i’m feeling now) features vocals by Charli, production from longtime collaborators such as A.G. Cook and Dylan Brady, and pretty much wall to wall bangers. One year and much critical acclaim later, and this work still holds up not only as a solid album, but also as a capsule of sorts for a very turbulent and (please forgive me) unprecedented time. In celebration of the one year anniversary of this masterpiece of an album, I decided I’m going to do what I do best and give my opinion that no one asked for!

So without further ado, a one year retrospective on how i’m feeling now by Charli XCX.

pink diamond

Bursting out the gate with some ice cold synths, pink diamond hits hard and fast. Buzzing with all the pent-up energy of a creative trapped inside (“I just wanna go real hard, I just wanna go real hard”), this is the perfect way to open a Lockdown Album, and the lyrics don’t shy away from that, with reference to video-chats and a desperate wish for someone to come round and pick you up in the car. The shortest track on the album, coming in at just above 2 minutes long, this is a short and sweet introduction to the kind of frenetic trapped energy that buzzes through a lot of the later tracks. Also, as if the song weren’t cool enough already, the title was also inspired by J.Lo? Gay rights!

forever

The lead single for this album fires up with some industrial crashes and a build up to those quintessential XCX autotuned vocals that float above the chaotic instrumental, telling the all-too-familiar story of lovers separated by unforeseen circumstances, be that long-distance (the song is about Charli’s longtime boyfriend Huck Kwong) or a global pandemic, or in this case a bit of both. The lyrics here are classic balladry, with Charli singing how “I’ll love you forever, even when we’re not together”, a very poignant message in a time where many were separated from loved ones. While I will admit this song took it’s time to grow on me (yes I’m jaded and alone leave me be) I can’t deny it was a perfect lead single for this album, and it encapsulates a lot of feelings that were and still are very relatable in the current situation.

claws

Built around a chorus that’s repetitious in the best possible way, claws is a fan favourite for a reason. With Dylan Brady production that bounces like a kangaroo on speed, this sticky sweet love song (“Like your mind, like your smile, like your eyes, I could die.”) is pure joy, and was an excellent choice for a second single. Following up the slightly more serious forever, the mood is lifted again here and this has absolutely become a go-to for me when I just need to jump around and smile for a bit.

7 years

Settling down from the honeymoon high of claws comes 7 years, a song that drips with stability and comfort. Detailing the 7 previous years of their relationship, this song really shows off a mature and happy couple and because of all that it now sounds incredibly bitter of me to declare it my least favourite on the album. I do still like it a lot, just to clarify, but much like Pretty Please off Future Nostalgia, even on an album of bangers everyone’s going to have one they like the least (and it’s also the slowest one again, because yes I’m that predictable). A wonderful ode to a healthy and happy relationship, there’s really not much more I have to say about this one.

detonate

We’re at a down on the emotional rollercoaster here, and coming after 7 years it’s an almost jarringly low one, with detonate detailing the internal monologue of a woman who just can’t shake the feeling that something is going to go wrong and it’ll be all her fault. Dressed up with such lighthearted production, the lyrics here almost hit harder due to the contrast, and it’s a real emotional gut punch, with Charli herself stating in an interview with Apple Music that “It’s actually quite hard for me to listen to this song because I feel like the rest of the album is so joyous and positive and loving.” Much like other songs about emotional distress (think Gone from 2019’s Charli), the negative emotions have been spooled into a golden thread of excellent songwriting and emotional resonance.

enemy

A song built around the phrase popularised by The Godfather Part II, “keep your friends close and your enemies closer”, this song sees Charli fictionalising a potential future breakup, and considering the potential ramifications. Could someone who was once your best friend become your worst enemy? Grounded by a voice memo after a therapy session midway through, this meditation on the vulnerability inherent in a relationship fits perfectly with a slightly more paired back instrumental, and doesn’t jump straight back into partying after the deep introspection of detonate, instead beginning the gradual climb back out of the proverbial hole.

i finally understand

And we’re back with the happy stuff! Another sweet love song that doesn’t bounce quite as much as claws, the more laidback instrumental suits the subject matter much better, with Charli doing the musical equivalent of letting it all hang out in a song about gaining emotional and physical intimacy while quarantining together. The third and final pre-release single, i finally understand is another tribute to a relationship strengthened by improved communication and closeness.

c2.0

Beginning the two song stint of ‘this wasn’t technically all fully recorded in lockdown but it fits and will receive no complaints from me’, C2.0 interpolates 2019’s Click, a song originally about the empowered feeling of going out with your friends and feeling like the coolest people on the planet. Except now, the clique (she’s good at this whole lyrics thing isn’t she) aren’t all together, and the re-up here transforms that original bragadocious banger into a slightly melancholy reflection on how much it can suck to not see your mates.

party 4 u

And here we have the fan favourite that finally got an official release in the most bittersweet way possible (not the only good thing to come out of the pandemic, but certainly one of my highlights). At first glance, a song about throwing a party might feel a little counter-intuitive for an album focused so heavily on isolation, but upon closer inspection, the idea of desperately wanting someone around and them not being able/willing to show up? Yeah, sound about right. Do I lowkey wish we’d got come to my party instead/as well? Maybe. Am I complaining? Absolutely not.

anthems

You have only to search the word anthems on my twitter account to see my enduring love for this song. But for those who do not wish to look through my tweets (and because I checked while editing this post and there’s only like one tweet) I will elaborate further right here. This song is the emotional and spiritual twin of pink diamond, with the same buzzing energy and pent-up need to just Do Something. Opening with perhaps the most relatable phrase miss XCX has ever written (“I’m so bored, woop!”), this track is a love letter to the normality we all didn’t quite appreciate enough until it was gone. Charli if you’re reading this and anthems doesn’t get a live performance I’ll be very upset with you. Once again, up the Dylan Brady production!

visions

Closing out the tracklist (with a bang) is the effervescent visions. Echoing track 10 not only in terms of being an unexpected closer but also just in terms of how much of a monster banger it is, the first half of the song is once again a love letter to Charli’s boyfriend, but the second half dissolves into a sweaty rave that I think at this point we’re all desperate to find our way back to. There really isn’t much else to be said about this song because there’s only so many ways to tell you that it slaps. What an ending.

All in all, I'd say this album was perfect for what it was designed to be - an album to capture the experiences both individual and communal of a world in crisis.